Ask Jorge

ask-jorge

Dear Jorge:

I need your advice.  I’m in love with my boyfriend and it’s better that we live together for now. The problem is that this year I have to go home for Easter and visit my family. They will want to go to church and I want to keep everyone happy.  I know that going to communion is no big deal, and I feel that if everyone else can go then I can go. The problem is my cousin. She’s such a bitch! She’s going to remind everyone of my husband and embarrass me in front of my boyfriend. Then my mother will start crying. I just want to claw that bitch’s eyes out. Can you tell me what to do?

-Jez

Dear Jez:

Go to communion.  It might be worse if you didn’t. You could be embarrassed, or feel excluded. This would be a sin. Not for you, but for everyone else. Don’t make them sin. Just go up. And you remind me of myself because I have a lot of people that give me no choice but to hate them so much. When I was young, you see. I always knew that I was different than them. Different and better. I got so-so grades, but I’m telling you I was really smart.  The grades were wrong.  And sometimes I got angry when people didn’t pay attention to what I was doing, to say how brilliant it was. That’s when I figured out that people were just jealous and they would always be that way to me because they knew I was better.  People are even jealous at how humble I am. I’m famous for it. But I can’t help it.  I hope this helps.

Dear Jorge:

I feel that I have a calling to the priesthood. Just because I’m 55 and divorced doesn’t take away my right to be a priest. I have fought for social justice since 1972, and I have always wanted to just stand up in church and scream at people to fight the system.  Sometimes I even still go to church.  The problem is, nobody listens to me anymore. As a priest, they would be forced to listen to everything that comes out of my mouth. Plus, I would be an even better bishop. Can you help?

Thank you. -Dorothy D.

Dear Dorothy:

When I was young back in Buenos Aires I used to walk through the favela. We priests would minister up there. You know, mud streets and tin roofs. And we priests were really for the people and we had special friends in certain places. Very special. When I was younger I could walk a lot farther. So it was raining up there in the favela, and I saw a dog.  I hope this helps.

Dear Jorge:

It’s 3 am when I write this.  I just saw your picture online. Maybe you can help. I’ve been on and off drugs since I was 18.  I tried to quit but I never could. When I got married I quit for a while but then, you know, stress. I got divorced three years ago.  I’ve been dealing for the past two.  Lately I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I see this silhouette that’s like the devil. Sometimes he’s just there and sometimes he’s running at me.  So I got a Mercedes. I thought it would help but it didn’t. I miss my daughters. Then I think I should just do a wrong way drive down the freeway. And I can’t because I see my girls crying. And I’m afraid of hell.  When I was a kid church was different. They had bells and incense and Latin. It was like this place from a better world. And then it went away. Is it crazy to believe in God because I see the devil whenever I close my eyes? I really think hell is real. I’m afraid.
-Steve

Dear Steve:

There is no hell.  I can help you if you do exactly as I say. Once a month put 5,000.00 US dollars, in twenties into an envelope. Seal it and mark it with the words Jorge’s Tithe. Find the location of your Jesuit province and drop it off there. No skimping, and get it there by the fifth of the month. No excuses. Do it or go to hell. -Dump the Mercedes and buy a used Fiat. I hope this helps.

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