Same Planet, Different Religion

The following commentary is provided by Jaspar J. Tooley, Jr.

Jaspar J Tooley Jr big
Jaspar J. Tooley, Jr.

My name is Jaspar J. Tooley, Jr. Hi. Recently I had an Interview with Catholic TV powerhouse EVTN for one of their elite positions of unpaid internship. I hope I get it. My purpose for writing these words is to tell you how great EVTN is, and to show you and them how great and Catholic I think Pope Francis is. Here goes.

Interviewing with EVTN was really interesting and really great. My day was special, because I got to sit down with some of the big decision makers. They were wrapping up a meeting and decided to stick around to check out the new blood (that’s me). At the head of the table was a distinguished looking gentleman wearing a yarmulke. You know what a yarmulke is, it’s shaped just like the Pope’s zucchetto except it’s a darker color. I was told that this man is Rabbi Finkelstein, and that he is in charge of financial matters at EVTN. He is also from a group called the ADL. ADL must stand for the Alliance Defending Liberty (of All Religions). Bishop Ben Dover was in the room, too. He always has so many great things to say. Whenever Rabbi put his hand up, Bishop Dover stopped in mid-sentence. It seemed kind of rude at first, but Bishop Ben is a flexible guy.

I complimented them on how ecumenical it is to have a rabbi in charge of everything. Then Rabbi Finkelstein said, “pardon me while I puke”. He got up and left the room. Maybe puke means something different in Hebrew, like stepping outside for a sip of water. He didn’t come back for a long time. In fact, he didn’t come back at all. I guess he was sick. Before he left, he said something weird. A word I don’t know. He said, “what a goy.”  Let me say how wonderful I think it is that someone so traditional like a rabbi would be so progressive about non-binary genders. It’s truly genius if you think about it; if you don’t want to offend someone by assuming their gender, just say goy. Obviously, goy means half girl and half boy. Nobody is offended. Thanks, Rabbi Finkelstein. Thanks for being the guardian of Truth and treasure at EVTN. And thanks for respecting the religious liberty of all peoples.

So then someone asked me, “okay Jaspar, why don’t you tell us what you think of Pope Francis and why.” At that point everyone pulled out their phones. I know that some people listen better on their phones. (As for me, I know I drive better when I’m texting, but these days everybody seems to honk at me for no reason.)

I told them about some great words of wisdom that I had recently come across online, that 99% of what Pope Francis says is so excellent as long as we see it in a Catholic way.  Let’s look at some examples.

Pope Francis said that some Catholics eat excrement. This seems kind of gross, but then again, is it really?  Nature gives us lots of examples of it. Dung beetles eat excrement, and so do maggots. So if you look at Francis’ words in the proper context, you will know that he is not calling people eaters of excrement. He’s just calling them dung beetles and maggots. Big difference!

Next, Pope Francis said that there is no Catholic God. Well, duh! Have you read the books by St. Theresa of Calcutta? She taught that a Muslim should be a good Muslim, and a Hindu should be a good Hindu. If God were a Catholic God,  then why did she worship Buddha? Also, look at Francis in the light of St. John Paul the Great (I know, it’s pretty bright!) If God were a Catholic God, why would St. John Paul have kissed the Koran? And why would he be a saint? Again, Pope Francis is so literally traditional here.

Pope Francis told reporters that Catholics don’t have to breed like rabbits. This one is such a nothing burger I don’t even know what there is to talk about, but I will anyway. Everyone knows how Catholic the global environmental movement is, and that we have to take care of Mother Earth, our common home. Look, my parents sacrificed a lot of money to send me to Catholic schools from kinder through college. If there is one thing that I know it’s that next to social justice, stewardship and environmentalism are the Church’s most important things of all. Just like the most important time at Mass is the Sign of Peace. I know these things because I always let my conscience tell me what is right and wrong, and I can feel how right environmentalism is. So what if when I get married, I only have one child? My future wife and I will do NFP until she is forty. We can get Catholic fertility drugs if she needs to. But that’s what I feel is right. And that’s why Pope Francis is so right, because I can feel it.

Pope Francis says that Salvation is for everyone. This means that no one goes to Hell, almost. For context on this, I go straight to Bishop Barron. We have a reasonable hope that 98% of humanity gets to Heaven. Doesn’t that seem nice to you? So here we have Pope Francis in agreement with a Bishop. Who can argue with that? I never murdered anyone, did you? So what’s the big deal if I tell someone that everyone goes to Heaven? It’s true if the Pope says it, and if I can feel it. So if you’re not feeling it, maybe you better start!

Now I have to say something not so nice. Maybe if you have a problem with Pope Francis, then that’s your problem. Because I don’t think that I can be in the same Church with someone who doesn’t like the Pope, and everything he says. Did you ever think of that, all you critics of Pope Francis? Just maybe we’re not in the same Church. As for me, I will follow Francis all the way to the Gates of Hell! And yes, I mean that. So who are you critics going to follow?

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